Trumpian operative Rudy Giuilani "convinced" his close friend, President Donald "Douchebag" Trump to let him lead the 2020 Presidential election fraud lawsuits across several states, namely Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, Arizona, Nevada and Georgia.
It didn't take much convincing of the Douchebag since Giuliani said he was going to be very aggressive exposing huge amounts election fraud and would also work for FREE.
Donald Douchebag like what he heard. It was too good to be true. How could he resist free representation from one of his closest political allies who would be looking out for his best interests?
The Douchebag then announced, “I look forward to Mayor Giuliani spearheading the legal effort to defend OUR RIGHT to FREE and FAIR ELECTIONS!” Trump tweeted on Saturday.
“Rudy Giuliani, Joseph diGenova, Victoria Toensing, Sidney Powell, and Jenna Ellis, a truly great team, added to our other wonderful lawyers and representatives!”
I look forward to Mayor Giuliani spearheading the legal effort to defend OUR RIGHT to FREE and FAIR ELECTIONS! Rudy Giuliani, Joseph diGenova, Victoria Toensing, Sidney Powell, and Jenna Ellis, a truly great team, added to our other wonderful lawyers and representatives!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 15, 2020
Douchebag Donald hadn't seen Rudy's most recent business card or how he promoted himself.
The only problem was ... err, err ... well just see below.
Not only that but Giuliani was not only fooling Douchebag Donald but he was also fooling himself which would be the cause of his downfall.
He hadn't been in a court room arguing a case in nearly three decades. He had lost more than a step.
Advanced dementia had slowly crept in and he obviously was delusional about his professional abilities.
But the Douchebag, always looking to get everything for free, didn't see this coming.
It should have been a big, red flag for the Douchebag because not only did it start off on an embarrassing note ...
And he just couldn't stop telling everyone he met how alive he felt at the moment ...
I guess that's why he married his cousin ... or did he have sex with his other cousin?
But it only kept getting worse and worse the more Giuliani got involved in the case. The both of them ended up being the laughing stock of America
Here's the true, untold story of what happened.
But lets start off with Rudy's most famous line ...
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Instead of a hotel conference room, for some inexplicable reason Giuliani agreed to have his first major election fraud news conference in a Philadelphia's landscaping company's --- Four Seasons Total Landscaping --- barren parking lot.
After some initial roll on the ground, laugh your ass off, comedic confusion with the Four Seasons Hotel Philadelphia, Douchebag Donald tweeted,
Big press conference today in Philadelphia at Four Seasons Total Landscaping — 11:30am!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2020
There was a huge difference between the two venues as you can tell from below.
The real Four Seasons Hotel Philadelphia also felt they had to clarify things by tweeting, which added to the Douchebag's and Giuliani's egg on their faces embarrassment.
To clarify, President Trump’s press conference will NOT be held at Four Seasons Hotel Philadelphia.— Four Seasons Hotel Philadelphia at Comcast Center (@FSPhiladelphia) November 7, 2020
It will be held at Four Seasons Total Landscaping— no relation with the hotel.
That noted Twitter troublemaker, Rex Chapman also got into the act and mischievously decided to seed some more confusion by gleefully tweeting,
Rudy Giuliani has arrived for his presser at the Ritz... pic.twitter.com/eOnuBxtCMY— Rex Chapman?? (@RexChapman) November 9, 2020
Not sure what was going through Rudy's mind at the time. Perhaps he liked the back drop of drab grey walls, a commercial garage door and a dirt lot, as seen below.
How amazingly brilliant (irony)! The Douchebag obviously only hires the best people (more irony). People with great judgement (even more irony).
Giuliani quickly plastered the garage door with red and blue Douchebag Trump 2020 posters, then threw up a podium, a microphone and some speakers ...
... and Voila! like Magic. He was ready to roll.
To the press, Giuliani yelled and screamed & forcefully and emotionally railed against corrupt Philadelphia's sad history of voter fraud, including ballots submitted by dead people.
He continued that the Douchebag wouldn't concede the election given that there were at least 600,000 ballots in question.
He also, unknowingly to the Douchebag, discretely solicited fundraising donations for his lower jaw dental work.
Giuliani unknowingly even brought a convicted sex offender, Daryl Brooks (below) as a character witness, who for some reason lacks credibility, to speak about alleged voting shenanigans at the polls.
Brooks, the ideal character witness, pictured mug shot style below, was incarcerated in the 1990s on charges of sexual assault, lewdness and endangering the welfare of a minor for exposing himself to two young girls ages 7 and 11.
Brooks a well known "personality" was immediately recognized on TV by local Philadelphia politicians because he had also repeatedly run, unsuccessfully for various political offices, including U.S. Senate and the House of Representatives in the past.
Yeah, Giuliani was on a roll now and really killing it. He was sure the Douche was gonna be really happy he picked him as the lead councillor for his election fraud case.
As to perception, what didn't help is that Four Seasons Total Landscaping is located adjacent to the Fantasy Island Adult Bookstore, basically a seedy, low end Porn Shop with jerk yourself off, private viewing booths.
It's basically nestled adjacent to a Porn Shop.
Located conveniently right across the street is the Delaware Valley Crematorium, just in case you happen to have an unexpected, surprise heart attack and keel over from vigorously whacking yourself off.
Their motto. Death by self-love. The perfect way to end it all.
Twitter once again exploded with stuff like ...
This is not over. For we shall mount our righteous stand at Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Next to Fantasy Island Adult Books. Across the street from the Delaware Valley Cremation Center. Between the fire extinguisher and yellow hose. #MAGA pic.twitter.com/hxuAsbEjXi— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) November 7, 2020
Twitter was in overdrive as Ali Davis philosophically waxed ...
Metaphorically speaking, aren't we all nestled between a sex shop and a crematorium?— Ali Davis (@Ali_Davis) November 8, 2020
And Zack Bornstein was totally incredulous ...
I could write jokes for 800 years and I'd never think of something funnier than Trump booking the Four Seasons for his big presser, and it turning out to be the Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot between a dildo store and a crematorium. pic.twitter.com/P45HV1daD9— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) November 8, 2020
Coincidentally, the Fantasy Island Porn Shop just happened to have their annual Dildo Madness sale on that very same day.
Before you knew it, Rudy, Daryl and his support staff kicked up a storm and stampeded over.
They elbowed and trampled over each other and other patrons like it was a Thanksgiving Black Friday sale at Walmart ... because they just didn't want to miss out on their simply too good to be true, amazing, unheard of Dildo bargains below.
50% off. One day only. Limited time offer.
First cum first served. Absolutely no rain checks.
Stock up now. Get them while they last.
Who's your Daddy Dildo's? ... by Ivanka "Wanker" Trump.
So ... WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!?!?!
Who's your Daddy tonight? (hint: Donny Daddy Dildo)
Now you know who your real Daddy is ...
Or if you just simply prefer the regular, run of the mill, ol' fashion, kind of Dildo, Ivanka Wanker's got them too.
"Tall Boy" super smooth, extra girthy, vein poppin' Who's your Daddy Dildo's? ... by Ivanka.
The event was ridiculed by journalists and even resulted in several lawyers and law firms withdrawing from Trump's legal challenges to the election results.
Lawyer Sidney "Batshit Crazy" Powell was the only lawyer that was thrown off the Douchebag's legal eagle team, something having to do with that she was even more extreme and Batshit Crazy than Train Wreck Rudy, which is kinda hard to believe.
Douchebag Donald apparently confided to his allies that Powell was just “too much.” Wow! Now if you're even more than the Douchebag can handle, that really says something about you.
Powell apparently accused Georgia’s Republican governor, Brian Kemp and it's Republican secretary of state, Brad Raffensperger of being part of a conspiracy involving a voting-system contract award that she contends harmed Douchebag Donald’s re-election bid.
"Georgia is probably going to be the first state I'm gonna blow up," Powell said, referring to the lawsuits she planned to file.
With guns blazing, Powell threatened, "We've got tons of evidence, it's so much it's hard to pull it all together. Hopefully, this week we will get it ready to file and it will be Biblical."
In one case, Powell the incompetent asked a Wisconsin state judge to order the release of 48 hours of security camera footage from the TCF Convention Center being used for election purposes, a facility that is actually in Michigan.
In another case, Powell in another apparent gaffe, one of the plaintiffs Powell named -- unsuccessful Republican congressional candidate Derrick Van Orden -- said the case was filed on his behalf without his knowledge or approval.
Getting back to Crazy Rudy, his noteworthy press conference made such a lasting impact that a fitting memorial was immediately erected on short notice to honor the memorable occasion.
The event undercut the Trump campaign's legal strategy for challenging the election results that they had meticulously planned for months.
Giuliani was once again under the gun and feeling the pressure.
If he doesn't watch out this could be his next and final headline & last press conference below ...
Another time petitioning a Pennsylvania judge, Giuliani argued “It’s a widespread, nationwide voter fraud.”
He accused local election officials of being part of a “little mafia” and preventing Republican Party observers from watching ballots being counted.
He said only cities “controlled by Democratic machines” had problems, and “you’d have to be a fool to think this is an accident.”
But under specific, detailed questioning from U.S. District Judge Matthew W. Brann, Giuliani reluctantly admitted and I quote, “This is not a fraud case.”
Giuliani, are you now going one level up, Apeshit-Batshit crazy?
Undeterred, at another Pennsylvania press conference Giuliani once again sought to legitimize unfounded claims to widespread voter fraud.
He was on a mission and desperate to find the missing Trump ballots he had spread some crazy batshit lies and conspiracy theories about.
So, he let everyone know that ...
But Rudy, where exactly are you searching for missing ballots, in Michigan or Minnesota?
Believe it or not but the elite, crack, Trumpian, MAGA backed legal eagle team mixed up MI and MN, the short forms for Michigan and Minnesota in their filing claims of where accusatory, alleged election irregularities occurred.
Their lawsuit filing claimed irregularities in the supposedly “Michigan” townships of Monticello, Albertville, Lake Lillian, Houston, Brownsville, Runeberg, Wolf Lake, Height of Land, Detroit Lakes, Frazee and Kandiyohi. But all of those townships are in Minnesota.
This unbelievably brain dead, catastrophic, embarrassing error had them wearing egg on their face and caused their legal position to crash and burn while completely destroying their credibility.
Some how this feels like an episode right out of Seinfeld.
At yet another Pennsylvania press conference, feeling the pressure from constantly being in the limelight and also under the heat from the lights, Giuliani appeared to literally meltdown when streams of a mysterious, dark brown liquid, streaked down both sides of his face in several tiny rivulets.
This was a first. It could have only happened to Crazy Rudy.
It left most people, including highly experienced hair stylists the world over scratching their heads, wondering WTF, while others still yet cringed.
Speculation ran rampant from it being temporary hair dye, to mascara to even shoe polish.
Was Rudy finally finishing off using the shoe polish from his Black Face days?
People suspected but no one knew for sure.
Some thought it was a fake tan, make up or a bronzer product that Rudy was casually marketing on the side to make a few bucks to help pay for his recently acquired 6 pack collection of Ivanka Wanker, Donny Daddy Dildo's from the Fantasy Island Porn Shop.
After all, these days you gotta be creative and entrepreneurial to find ways to make ends meet. Times are tough even in Douchebag Donald - Crazy Rudy fantasy world.
It was certainly better than trying to flog that brown liquid shit making 30 second, TikTok, lip sync, dance, music videos, especially with the free media coverage generated by Douchbag Donald's Presidential election fraud case.
Meanwhile, in yet another news conference in Philadelphia, Eric Trump spoke before Giuliani, aggressively claiming his Douchebag father, won not only the state but the entire Presidential election.
Eric defiantly stated, “We're going to win Pennsylvania, but they're trying to cheat us out of it because they know it's their only path to victory.”
He elaborated, “We are going to file a suit in Pennsylvania. It is the last thing that we wanted to do, it's the last thing my father wanted to do. But this is rampant corruption. It can’t happen. It’s not fair. This isn’t democracy.”
Rudy, jealous and thirsty for the spotlight, quickly jumped in and took over, stating, "This is beyond anything I have ever seen before," he ranted to the crowd of Douchebag Trump supporters. "Do you think we're stupid? Do you think we're fools?"
Someone in the crowd shouted, "Yes, I do!" (It was me, hahaha ...)
Giuliani responded, "You know something, Democrats do think you're stupid. And they do think you're fools. That's why you get called 'deplorable' and 'chumps.'"
But he still wasn't finished yet, then again continued, "We're going to stick with this. We're going to win this election. We've actually won it. It's just a matter of counting the votes fairly."
While in court once again, this time a confused and disheveled Giuliani mistook the judge for a federal judge in another Pennsylvania district who earlier had rejected a separate Trump campaign case.
He shot himself in the foot and embarrassed himself by stating “I was accused of not reading your opinion and that I did not understand it.”
A one man wrecking crew, Rudy then tripped himself up again but this time over the meaning of “opacity.”
“In the plaintiffs' counties, they were denied the opportunity to have an unobstructed observation and ensure opacity,” Giuliani said.
The blistering fool then admitted, “I’m not quite sure I know what opacity means. It probably means you can see, right?” he asked the judge.
“It means you can’t,” responded U.S. District Judge Matthew Brann.
Defiantly proud, showing poor judgement and evidently having shit for brains, Giuliani's unforgettable though brilliant, quick witted comeback was, “Big words, your honor.”
Now if this is not totally Apeshit-Batshit-Dogshit-Elephantshit crazy, I really don't know what is ...
At one point, an opposing lawyer, Mark Aronchick, disputed Giuliani’s repeated contentions that it was illegal for counties to help people vote.
He continued that Giuliani lived in a Douchebag Trump like “fantasy world” and characterized his allegations and behavior as being totally “disgraceful.”
“I don’t expect that he would know the Pennsylvania election code,” Aronchick said, suggesting — without saying it — that Giuliani was an unprepared out-of-towner.
In yet another case, a federal appeals court panel forcefully rejected the Douchebag Trump campaign’s effort to throw out millions of Pennsylvania ballots, declaring its allegations of misconduct meritless.
“Voters, not lawyers, choose the President. Ballots, not briefs, decide elections,” Judge Stephanos Bibas — an appointee of President Donald "Douchebag" Trump — wrote for the three-judge 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals panel composed entirely of GOP appointees.
Much of the appeals court panel’s ruling read like a rebuke of Giuliani for the Douchebag campaign’s legal tactics. The judge was so frustrated and fed up with Crazy Rudy for wasting his time that he did his Judge Judy rolling his eyes impersonation for added emphasis.
He had enough, was fed up and in total disbelief as to Giuliani's moronic, stupidity.
Discouraged but believing he was still not totally defeated, Crazy Rudy truly believed he and the Douchebag could still win this thing.
Hey Rudy, "Great job on those election fraud lawsuits.", later said Douchebag Donald, invoking a touch of irony and sarcasm.
Rudy, sporting a law and order NYPD ball cap and a pair of Top Gun shades, looking cool, all proud of himself, believing it was a sincere, genuine compliment, just responded back with some hearty laughter and a big, wide, toothy, ear to ear, shit eating grin on his face.
Douchebag Donald was so frustrated with Giuliani's antics, that he himself went to petition the Pennsylvania court with the following argument ...
"Who, Rudy Giuliani? Haven't heard that name in years? Barely know the guy", pleaded the Douche.
Rudy, seen below, with a stunned look on his face just couldn't believe what he was hearing ... or did he just shit in his pants?
It was probably both.
His immediate first thought was, "Is the Douchebag really throwing me under the bus, like he did to Michael Cohen and Jeff Sessions, after all I did for him in Ukraine?"
But the Douchebag knew his goose was finally cooked even though he knew he WOULD be serving a second term ...
Unfortunately, pathetic Douchebag Donald never learned his lesson. Late that night he even called Rudy from prison ... and oh what a surprise he got ...
Crazy Rudy basically was a living, breathing, eating, disastrous, exploding Train Wreck just waiting to happen.
Or was he a never ending, raging Dumpster Fire?
Perhaps a combination of both ...
After all was said and done, guess who had the last laugh?
Was it President "Sleepy" Joe?
Or was it "Crooked" Hillary?
Or was it that middle-aged, greying, black dude who was secretly born in Kenya?
It's all three.
But that last black dude, well ... he got the last word in.
I swear to God, believe me or not but this is the true, untold story of Rudy Giuliani's Brilliant Lawyering of President Donald "Douchebag" Trump's 2020 Presidential Election Fraud Lawsuits.
Would you hire Rudy Giuliani to be your lawyer if you were accused of sexual assault or murder?
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